♪♪♪ (theme)
Kitchen's down.
Well, that's good news.
‐Here. ‐Hmm.
That's it for the coffee.
Vile to the last drop.
I'll be back in ten minutes.
Then you can leave with the others.
I'm staying.
Hmm, you finally realized I have a beautiful body.
I've never seen your body.
Every evening at 8:30,
matinees Wednesday and Saturday.
Let's keep our relationship medical.
You wanna play doctor?
Look, Margaret, I can handle this.
Get on the truck and get out of here.
I'm staying with you.
If you need me, I'll be packing up my troubles
in my old kit bag.
Where's my tent?
RADAR: Did you yell, Hawkeye?
Where's my tent, my clothes,
my sneakers, my dirty magazines?
Uh, Captain Hunnicutt finished packing up
the rest of your gear, sir.
I hope he left me a change of filthy socks.
Did he take care of the still?
Major Burns wouldn't let the still go on the truck, sir.
Fink!
He wouldn't let Klinger's dresses
or my animals go on the truck, neither, sir.
I can understand the dresses,
but Snuffy and the Doo‐doo twins?
The Smith Brothers of the jelly bean industry.
They're careless, but they're loyal.
Not as loyal as my still.
All it asks is a little alcohol,
some corn mash,
and what does it give in return?
Liquid love.
Yeah.
Uh, can you keep a secret, sir?
Scout's honor.
Were you a Scout?
No, but I was always prepared.
B.J., Klinger, and me worked out a little deal
with Wat San Yee for the use of his cab.
He's gonna haul the still and the animals
and the Klinger collection.
Radar, when all this is over, I'm gonna adopt you.
I've already got my mother and my uncle Ed.
‐I'll sleep on the couch. ‐(giggling)
Start your engines!
(engines starting)
Move out! Yo!
RADAR: Snuffy gets the carrots.
Pokey and the rest get the lettuce.
Sequins all over the ground!
‐Take care of yourself. ‐Same to you!
Come on, Pokey!
(bleating)
What are you doing back here?
You might need me.
(Pokey bleating)
(explosion)
How's he doing?
(sigh) Hangin' in there.
(explosion)
Is today the 4th of July?
It's September.
Just a wild hope.
Does the enemy rape female prisoners?
Margaret, there's no reason to be afraid.
Aren't you scared?
Me, scared?
This whole body is one white knuckle.
You don't show it.
The minute this kid is stable and on the chopper,
I may wet my pants and suck my thumb.
‐Wow, wow. ‐(explosion in distance)
Everybody's heading south.
The whole road's jammed up with traffic.
Must be going to the Rose Bowl game.
What'd you bring, Corporal?
Well, they left us this stuff.
It's a‐‐ it's a couple cans of Vienna sausage,
two cans of Spam, some dehydrated potatoes,
and some extra shoelaces.
I'll have the shoelaces. House dressing.
And have the chef remove the tips.
Is he all right?
He's moving his toes. That's something.
(explosion)
I wish to hell we hadn't torn down the still.
I could use a belt.
Rosie's bar's still there.
Why don't you go on over?
I can handle things here.
(explosion)
What do you say, Radar?
Want to walk over to the gas station
for an orange soda?
Then we can stroll down Main Street
to the dry goods store
and watch them undress the window dummies.
It's what we used to do back home
‐every Saturday night. ‐You mad fools.
(giggling)
Geez, look at all the trucks.
Nice corner for a taco stand.
Yeah.
Wow!
(horn honks)
‐RADAR: Back! ‐(honk honk)
Yeah, yeah!
That's telling them, Sheriff.
For Pete's sakes, run a guy down!
Tell it to Truman!
First time I ever got the best table in the house.
Rosie!
‐Dr. Stud! ‐With two D's.
Time to flee.
One last drink, my wee bonny lassie,
to celebrate our cowardly retreat.
But time to flee.
Rosie, who gave you the blue medicine for your gums?
Hawkeye.
Come on.
A double for me and a grape Nehi for Radar.
No grape Nehi.
Check the wine cellar.
(explosion)
I'd settle for an orange soda.
This is a special occasion.
The grape has a more memorable artificial flavor.
(explosion)
There's a lady on my foot.
Oh, Miss,
this probably isn't your table,
but would you scratch the back of my leg?
Ah.
Found! One grape Nehi.
‐Let me see. ‐Oh, boy.
Ah, titillating bouquet.
Delicate coloring. Travels well.
It's bottled in Duluth.
1951. Good year for Nehi.
Cin‐cin.
Mmm, it's still got its fizz.
Would I deny you a belch?
Missed.
They forgot to pack the cockroaches.
Hey. That's Blue Velvet.
B.J's racing cockroach?
Sure, look at the limp.
Oh, it is Blue Velvet.
One of the great thoroughbred cockroaches in Korea.
I'm glad you missed him.
He's sired a lot of winners.
A farewell.
Much sadness in Rosie's heart.
Tear come to eye.
To Dr. Hawkeye,
healer of sick.
That's sweet, Rosie.
Tab owed: $51.55.
You crazy sentimental kid.
Able Bravo One to Able Bravo Two.
We're in C2 section, intersection 4.
Affirmative. Affirmative.
Able Bravo One out.
How's it going?
Who are you?
Dr. Pierce and his loyal minion Corporal O'Reilly.
Captain Stevens, Intelligence and Recon.
‐Minion? What's a minion? ‐You know.
You fetch and carry goblets of wine,
you fend off knaves and varlets,
and on occasion you find me a toothsome wench.
He's a fun guy.
In real life, I'm the company clerk.
You people should have gone south.
Yeah, we got a patient we can't move yet.
Where's the front?
You're standing on it.
Oh, to be in England, now that war is here.
(dog barking)
Halt! Convoy, halt!
‐Convoy, halt! ‐Major Burns.
SOLDIER: Convoy, halt!
Yes, sir?
Get latrine and tent detail started.
Set up a mess pre‐op and post‐op near the building.
I'm gonna check it out for O. R.
Roger Wilco.
Uh, sir, I was thinking that‐‐
‐Uh, Colonel Potter, sir? ‐What is it, Father?
I believe it's customary to bless the site of a new MASH.
Of course, of course. Stand by for the blessing.
Stand by for the blessing!
Hear me, O Lord.
Hear me, O Lord!
I'm just trying to help.
The padre does a single.
We thank Thee for guiding us safely to this place
and ask Thy blessing that we may continue to heal
and do Thy work,
and for a speedy end to this war‐‐
I mean, uh, police action.
Uh, well, you know what I mean, Lord.
Amen.
‐Amen. ‐Is that it?
Nothing comes after "amen."
Well, we used to sing.
‐Get set up! ‐Yes, sir.
Nice blessing, Father. Standard prayer?
Well, it's a golden oldie.
Hunnicutt.
Yes, sir, Colonel.
Come on, let's look over the building.
With this retreat,
there will be a lot of busted‐up kids
‐coming in here. ‐Right.
Looks like an abandoned schoolhouse.
Fu Manchu Junior High.
‐Sir, conflict. ‐What now?
We can't find the surgical equipment.
Look in the boxes marked "kitchen utensils."
The ninnies.
(blowing whistle)
Hunnicutt, do me a favor.
‐Name it, Colonel. ‐If I'm ever shot,
don't let him lay a hand on me.
‐(chuckling) Same here. ‐(whistle blowing continues)
I'd hate to have that whistle sewed up inside me.
Where the hell did he get that whistle anyway?
Same place he got his diploma‐‐
a box of Cracker Jacks.
(women giggling)
Was that you?
I haven't giggled since my wedding night.
Who there?
Colonel Sherman Potter, MASH 4077.
Sorry, no appointment.
(giggling)
No appointment?
What does she mean, no appointment?
Today is Wednesday.
Maybe the dentist is playing golf.
Let me try, Colonel.
I know how to knock in Korean.
(whistles)
Sorry. Everybody tired.
Big night last night.
Now, would you please come out here, madam?
I think you hit it right on the head.
What's that supposed to mean?
Madam. And the others are her ladies of the evening,
or afternoon or morning, as the case may be.
Concubines, in a schoolhouse?
Well, they have to learn someplace.
Again.
(whistles)
(speaking Korean)
Don't give me that static, lady.
We're here to establish MASH 4077.
You get your concubines out of here!
Concubines?
Out lady, now.
Business before war.
That's what makes America great.
We're here on orders of "I" Corps.
General Irving R. Hamilton, commanding.
Ohh. Binky.
(whistle blows)
Ready to set up the O. R., Colonel.
Stand by, Major.
Who are they?
Are there people living here?
The Assistance League.
Assistance League?
The oldest profession.
A bakery?
Tarts!
Tarts?
Peach? Raspberry?
‐Frank. ‐Huh?
It's a brothel.
A den of iniquity? In this building?
If you order before 6, I'm sure you can get takeout.
Disgusting. Colonel, request permission
for an armed squad to remove them by force.
(blows whistle)
Confiscated!
Get cracking!
He took my whistle.
Look, lady, you have to move.
We're using this building for a hospital.
You've got to set up your...
shimmy palace in another spot.
No.
Listen, sister.
Me no Catholic.
We'll put all of you in one of our trucks.
We'll take you any place you wanna go.
Throw in a case of chipped beef.
Oh, no, I love that after church, on toast.
How about a case of Vienna sausage?
Ohhh.
That got her. She loves Vienna sausage.
(speaking Korean)
‐Oh, dresses! ‐Dresses!
‐(gasp) Pretty! ‐Thank you, sis.
Uh, hold it, babe. Hold it now. Take it easy.
That's not for sale. That's my confirmation dress.
All right, girls, come on now. Let's knock it off!
Give me that dress! This ain't Klein's basement.
Come on, that doesn't look good on you.
Come on, girls. Hold up!
Let's behave like gentlemen now!
Don't! You're gonna tear it!
Give me that dress. Give me that.
You're gonna split the pleats!
My dress!
That's not your dress. I'll kill ya!
Wait a minute! Hey, come back here!
I've got it.
‐(arguing) ‐POTTER: Klinger!
KLINGER: Give me that dress.
(blows whistle)
All present and accounted for, sir!
Come over here.
Put that back on the rack, next to the pink chiffon.
And watch the collar. It's simulated raccoon.
‐You whistled, sir? ‐With both lips.
Step over here. I want to talk to you.
Son, those girls are crazy about your clothes.
They're ruining 'em. Look at my black sheath.
Klinger, I'm the first to say,
you're a fine medic and a snappy dresser.
I try, sir.
They'll give us the building for the clothes.
What? I got 300 clams invested in those dresses!
We've gotta have an O. R.
But my blue chiffon. It's from Murdoch's of Toledo.
I understand. I've always liked that dress.
My pearls won't go with anything else.
Put that chubby back! That's real fake fur.
Klinger, we're gonna have wounded coming in here.
The war is going bad for us. We need that building.
It took me three years of my life.
Alterations.
Sewing my fingers to the bone.
Staying up all night studying the Monkey Ward catalog.
Fighting my way through snipers
for the month‐end sales at Wangs of Seoul.
Cowboy...
do it for your country.
My country?
Do it for Toledo.
Toledo.
Okay, Colonel.
Ladies, the clothes for the building.
It's a deal?
(cheering)
‐(chatter) ‐Look what I got!
Corporal Klinger,
that's the finest act of bravery I've ever witnessed.
(explosions)
HAWKEYE: What's his blood pressure?
116 over 80.
I thought you were asleep.
I always wake up when a lady pumps her sphygmomanometer.
Besides, I don't sleep well on a soft wall.
(explosion)
What time have you got?
Time to flee.
Captain, you're waxing poetic again.
I also make candles.
He's improving.
With any luck, we'll have him on his feet
in time for World War III.
Perish the thought.
Not to mention the people.
The weather's clear.
I can see the stars.
That chopper oughta be here just after dawn.
Is he gonna be able to make it?
Well, he's got his ticket, his matched luggage,
and his souvenir satin pillow that says
"I have visited Korea,
land of the midnight mortar attack."
How close is the enemy?
Uh, that captain said
we're in Communist territory.
Oh, thank you, comrade. And get me some borscht.
‐Easy on the sour cream. ‐(sigh)
Corporal, have you heard if they're taking prisoners?
I hope not.
Chop suey makes me break out.
(explosion)
MARGARET: Pierce, stop that!
RADAR: I'll wait in the jeep.
Where's the hospital ship?
Off Sinchon.
Give him a smooth ride.
You think he'll make it?
If they don't get a flat.
(distant explosions)
MARGARET: What are you doing?
Big hunk of our lives has been spent here.
Yeah, just think of all the guys we operated on.
Right, Doctor.
A lot of them didn't make it.
Most of them did. You should be proud.
You, too.
We better get going.
Yeah, let's go.
Don't you notice anything?
What?
No shelling. No more machine gun fire.
That's spooky. Let's get outta here.
Come on, let's go.
(engine sputtering)
Now what?
We got plenty of gas.
I'll check the hood.
Yeah, see if the hood's okay.
Hurry up!
Uh, nothing‐‐ nothing's where it is
in my mother's Nash!
What?
Shh, listen.
(vehicles approaching)
Holy moly. It sounds like
there's a whole battalion coming down the road.
I'm gonna be ravaged, I know it.
Tell 'em you're with me.
They're getting closer.
‐Let's get outta here. ‐Aah!
Ow!
‐Okay. ‐What?
Hey!
‐HAWKEYE: Hey! ‐RADAR: It's us!
HAWKEYE: Hey, it's us! Here we are!
‐Hey, hey, hey! ‐RADAR: Over here!
‐Aah! ‐Hey!
Hey! It's us!
RADAR: Boy, are we glad to see you.
Convoy, halt!
‐Convoy, halt! ‐(Margaret laughing)
‐Corporal. ‐Colonel.
‐What's the scoop? ‐Our boys beat 'em back.
‐We're coming home. ‐Thank God.
(bleating)
Hey, Pokey. How are ya?
Hey, Klinger. It was really scary.
We were overrun by Chinese almost.
Big deal. I was overrun by a batch of bimbos.
They got everything but the dress on my back.
Geez, what a gyp.
I can't wear this every day. People will laugh.
Hey, how's Snuffy and the twins?
You fed 'em, didn't ya?
Congratulations. You're a grandfather.
‐How'd that happen? ‐Very quickly.
I think the twins broke one of the Commandments.
Oh!
‐Have a cigar. ‐Thanks.
Oh, Frank, we were surrounded by Chinese.
They were breathing down our necks.
It tickled, but I kinda liked it.
You haven't changed a bit.
Get aboard, Houlihan.
Yo!
(chatter)
(laughing)
Think they'll ever finish, Hawk?
Once they pass the bond issue.
They're goin' awful deep.
Well, they have to. It's polluted.
Remember? Frank fell into it.